Abandoning Oneself

Thoughts from a past life, last year:

I recently came to the conclusion that I don’t fully trust myself. As a self-proclaimed confident person I was in shock. I’ve kept my word for most of the big things I’ve claimed to be and abide by, but as I audited my life it was clear my inventory was off. It may always feel too soon to write about this. Who fed us the lie that we always grow out of making mistakes? Or out of doing things that misalign with who we say we are and what we want? Sure, the margin of error narrows as we gain perspective and attempt to limit making the same mistake no more than twice…closer to three in my case.

Imagine my horror as I caught my self-confidence and self-abandonment perpetually locking lips. Moths to a flame. It’s not uncommon that opposites ends of the spectrum are found in frequent company. One hides the other and you start to believe the lies you tell yourself to get by. I don’t believe we all live double lives, but I think we are all far less honest with ourselves - a sincere coping mechanism. How can you say what you mean and mean what you say and do what you think and be who you are every second of every day? I’m exhausted.

And I have several thoughts. It’s hard to do the right thing for you when you don’t know what you want or who you are. I change my mind about my passions or hobbies or favorite pastry often. Sometimes multiple times in one day. Each thought and idea distracts me from what the truth is. And perhaps the truth is that several truths can coexist. I think we have more evidence about what makes us tick than we are willing to admit and tap into. Isn’t it easier to ask someone their opinion and let their compass, at that moment in time, guide us. In line with what we want, do we even know what we feel? Is it anxiety or intuition or nervousness or excitement. Seriously? It’s just too much. One of my most recited prayers is asking God to just tell me what to do and what to say and how to feel. Thankfully God doesn’t answer every prayer in the way we want Him to. Something tells me He wants us to learn the lessons ourselves. To decode who we are ourselves. To put in the work to unearth the depths of us. The wrong decisions, the confused decisions, the accidental decisions chisel us down to our core.

Misaligned decisions feel like jeans that are too tight, a zipper that pinches the skin. We know it’s not right and sometimes we just push through at the risk of the seams bursting. The hope is we eventually see there is another pair of pants that suits us better. The jeans weren’t the problem. The jeans on us were the problem.